Stupid People Have More Fun

I constantly read articles about happiness. I am intrigued. Everyone thinks they have key. They believe that they have found the secret to happiness. Be grateful. Practice forgiveness. Exercise. Pray to someone or something. Give your time and money to help others. Save an animal. Eat healthy. Jesus Christ, some even push that probiotics are the path to a blissful existence.

I am here to tell you that I have the answer to the whole enchilada. Be stupid! Be ignorant! Be complacent! Ditch empathy! You will be enlightened. Do you want to know why? You won’t give a duck…about anything.

You won’t watch the news, because you won’t understand it even if you do. You won’t care that nobody gives a duck about you, because you don’t give a duck about anyone else. You won’t care about the atrocities in your community or around the world. You won’t care about the details of life that plague the more intelligent humans on a constant basis.

Parenting: Well, you would be stupid, so the bar you would set for your kids and yourself would be pretty damn low. Who gives a duck what school they go to? Baby sign language? Duck that. Your kid would be lucky to get a bottle filled with Kool-Aid. Discipline? Um, no. School? You wouldn’t be able to help them with their work even if you wanted to. Isn’t that what you send them to school for? I could go on all day. I won’t. Let’s just say, that realm of parenting style isn’t pretty, but what is wrong with simply keeping kids alive? Everyone’s gotta have a goal!

Health: Stupid people end up at the hospital when they are literally dying or if they accidentally use bleach for contact solution. Haven’t you ever watched the thousands of videos displaying the result of stupid stunts? Hey guys, let’s put a slide, on a roof, covered in ketchup, and hope we land in the baby pool on the ground, fifteen feet below. That will definitely end well. Those blessed with even an ounce of brain power analyze EVERYTHING pertaining to health. Have a red spot? According to the web, you were either bitten by a mosquito or you are going to die from a flesh-eating bacteria. Have a stomach ache? You either need to go to the bathroom or you have cancer. Eat organic. Take vitamins. Watch out for sugar, carbs, gluten, soy, meat, fat, artificial sweeteners, and the rest of the foods on the long list of shit that will KILL you. Stupid people live on WHATEVER the duck they want to, and they don’t give a shit. They only run if they are being chased by a zombie…or clown. BTW, I am scared to death of clowns. Thank you, Poltergeist. You will not find any electronic device, analyzing everything from heart rate to step counts, attached to a dumb person. I will be purchasing mine in a few months. Do I exercise a lot? Nope.

Money: Roof? Food? Clothes? Stupid? You’re good. Some of the most resourceful people are actually not the truly smart ones. They rely on instincts to simply find some way to satisfy basic needs. It’s actually quite impressive. Smart people spend years of schooling and career building to attain the same needs. Does the fancy, luxury vehicle get you to the same spot as the bus? Do you really need 800 buttons in your car? Ok, maybe I’m talking crazy shit now. I like my buttons. I have no idea what half of them do. Those are for the “really smart” people, I suppose. Stupid people are definitely responsible for the majority of those “12 Great Hacks” for bullshit articles. The hacks are so ducking stupid, that a smart person would never come up with them.

I would love to see a study that compares the overall health of stupid people vs. intelligent people, because I have a theory that the stress of “living healthy” is ducking killing the brighter bulbs. Maybe Darwin wasn’t including intelligence in his definition of “fittest.”

Don’t give me shit about mocking people with lower IQ’s. Don’t attack me for the use of the word stupid. I am personally exhausted by the banning of particular words in the name of political correctness. I do not walk around, calling anyone stupid and neither should you. I just want to share my own observations, so you can understand why I would like to bash my head into a wall continuously until I am really stupid. Well, in comparison to Stephen Hawking, I am already there. No concussions necessary.

I think that stupidity would cure depression and anxiety across the globe. Fuck Prozac. They need to come up with a drug called, Stupenza, which gradually reduces your intelligence until you are at a level of stupid that you are content with.

Have a great day. Dare to be dumb!

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Extra Strength

Hold on to your seats and get ready for EXTRA laughter (sarcasm in case you need proof of my humility.) In a society full of excess, one of my overly abundant aggravations is the use of the word “Extra,” in EVERYTHING. Consumerism must have reached such a saturation point for marketing professionals, that the only way to interest customers to change their product loyalty was to add the word “Extra.” I noticed this first with my favorite example.

Deodorant. Yes, deodorant. I know. Most people are brand loyal to their particular deodorant. For years, you have chosen a particular brand, scent, application method, etc. So, someone making too much money, sat in their office and came up with a brilliant idea. Let’s offer different degrees of effectiveness for deodorant. What the fuck? Now some brands read, “Extra Strength” on their packaging. No, I would prefer the lets-you-sweat-and-smell-a-little variety. Are you serious? If I’m buying deodorant, just assume I want whatever you have to maximize the sweat and smell problem. Why would I ever choose the lowest protection?

“Extra Strength” medicine. No thank you. I only want it to work a little. I want my headache to linger. It makes me feel more in touch with my mind/body connection. It will be a phenomenal reminder of how fucking bad it was. My toothache will be alright if it only hurts like fuck instead of making me want to bash my head in a wall and take a hammer to it.

“Extra Strength” hair spray. You know, at around 3pm, I would prefer my hair to look like complete shit. Give me the low strength crap that leaves me looking like a shaggy dog by lunch.

“Extra Soft” toilet paper. There is nothing better than having my ass feel like it is on fire after using the restroom. I really love the sandpaper variety. It makes me feel like I have not only cleaned up, but also like I have given myself a good exfoliation of my derrière. You know how you feel when you leave a public restroom that uses the sandpaper variety? Do you know how you would like to kill the person you live with when they come home with this stuff for whatever ungodly reason? There are some luxuries in life that can certainly live with, but leave my damn “extra soft” toilet paper alone! I know, first-world problems. Better than leaves…maybe.

Now with “Extra.” I have beef with companies that use this manipulation. So, you’ve been holding out on me, or people have stopped buying your product. In order to keep customers or acquire new ones, you have to put “extra” in there. Lame.

I would like to urge individuals and companies to spare me the modifiers altogether. Less calories, more protein, better protection, fewer chemicals, bigger bottle, and EXTRA ANYTHING. I know I live in a privileged society. I know I should be content with the fact that I have deodorant, hair spray, toilet paper, etc. everyone has to bitch about something. So, this was my rant for the day.

Feel free to leave EXTRA examples that you will find EVERY DAY!